The Fire Four: Wacky Evil Misadventures
by Darth Desu
Summary: Azula, Ty Lee, Mai, and Zuko are informed that they must go to Ember Island and stay there until they know how to be normal teenagers. Oh dear. Fear for your life.
1. Don't worry, I have juice on my side!

**Chapter 1: Don't worry, I have juice on my side!**

It was time for Azula and Zuko's Weekly Chat With Father. Normal people would quake with fear. Azula smirked and Zuko listened to My Chemical Romance on his iPod as they walked to the throne room.

"Ah, greetings, children."

"Hello, father," they both replied.

There was an awkward pause.

"Azula!"

"Yes father?"

"Poison Ivy has used her mind control spores on Superman to pit him against Batman. Oh, and Batman has no kryptonite. Who wins?"

"Batman. He always has kryptonite."

"Zuko."

"What's the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe and Everything?"

"42."

"Now a question to both of you: who is Ke$ha?"

Zuko and Azula looked at each other, utterly confused.

"As I thought. You two must learn to be normal teenagers. Therefore, I am sending you to Ember Island. And you are staying there until you can blend in."

"Father, this is pointless. Why should I, Princess of the Fire Nation, be forced to learn to be normal? NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T RULE."

"Nonsense, Azula. A true ruler knows what his people want. And who said you would rule, anyway?"

"Well... um... You hate Zuko!"

"I banished him because I care, duh."

"Fine! Zuko and I will go to Ember Island! And we will be THE MOST NORMAL TEENAGERS EVER. Can we at least bring Ty Lee and Mai?"

"Fine, whatever, get out of my sight. I'm done with the two of you." Ozai went back to his crossword. "Sacred potion or plant in the Rg Veda, 4 letters... 'Soma...'"

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Azula pulled out her iPhone to call Ty Lee.

"Hi Azula!"

"Ty Lee. You will come with my brother and I to Ember Island in order to become THE MOST NORMAL TEENAGERS EVER."

"Okay, let me check with my mom... Hey mom can I go to Ember Island for an extended amount of time?"

"I don't care if you live or die, your sisters are better than you!"

"She says it's fine."

"Excellent. You will meet us at the dock in 2 hours. Bring a bikini or 5 and steal Sister 3's alcohol."

"Okee-dokee!"

Azula hit end call and smirked.

"Can I borrow your phone to call Mai?"

"Where's your phone?"

"At Mai's."

"Whatever. Here you go."

Zuko took the phone and instantly... played with the lightsaber app.

"If you're going to act like a child, I'm calling Mai."

Zuko put the lightsaber away and called Mai.

"Hello Azula."

"Er.. no... it's Zuko. I'm just using her phone."

"Oh yeah, you forgot yours at my house. What's up?"

"Azula, Ty Lee, and I are going to Ember Island. You should come."

"Will it be boring?"

"No, Ty Lee's is bringing Sister 3's booze."

"FUCKIN' SIGN ME UP!" Mai yelled in a rare burst of emotion.

"Okay... we're meeting at the dock in 2 hours. Can you bring my phone with you? And any clothes I may have forgotten at your house?"

"Okay. See you soon."

He handed Azula's phone back to her, already missing the lightsaber app. You see, the poor thing only has an iPod video and an LG enV3. At least his stuff has better battery life.

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Mai was on the phone with her parents. "I'm on a boat!"

"What, dear? You're cutting out."

"I'm on a boat!"

Ty Lee was doing some kinky contortionist stuff. "Everybody look at me!"

"Mai, why is your signal so bad?"

"'Cause I'm sailin' on a boat!"

"What?"

"I'M ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT!"

"Send a picture of where you are, okay honey?"

Mai hung up, and sent her mom a picture message with the caption "TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' BOAT!"

Azula smirked. "You know Zuzu, that would make a really catchy rap song."

"I hate rap. Rappers don't know the pain that is life."

Ty Lee leaned over the railing. "Yarr! Land ahoy!"

"And she hasn't even touched the rum yet..." sighed Azula.

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No, the chapter title has nothing to do with the story.

And yes, Zuko and Mai are together in this story. That probably won't change. Zuko the Angry Emo and Mai the Bored are too loltastic to give up. Katara has no place in wacky evil misadventures. Unless she ends up in like, a dance-off between the Gaang and the Fire Four. Hmmmm, that's not a bad idea.


	2. One day, I will rule the teddy bears

Chapter 2: One day, I will rule the teddy bears

Azula was walking down Main Street, when she saw a poster. As she read it, her smile widened. And when I say "smile," I mean "evil smirk."

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"I have decided what we are doing tonight," Azula announced

"Oooh, what is it? Tellmetellmetellme!" Ty Lee had clearly found the Juiced Guava Rock Star.

"We are going to... a play!"

Zuko twitched. "Azula... do you remember the last time we saw a play here?"

"No..."

"THEY MADE JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT SCARY! I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT! BUT I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES!"

"Oh yeah! That was hilarious!"

"NO IT WASN'T."

"Too bad, ZuZu, we're going."

"What's the play, anyway?" Mai questioned.

"Springtime for Sozin."

"Oh. How boring."

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The four aspring-to-be-normal teens found their seats just as the curtain was rising. And then the singing started...

"Fire Nation was having trouble  
What a sad, sad story  
Needed a new leader  
To restore its former glory  
Where, oh where was he?  
Where could that man be?  
We looked around  
And then we found  
The man for you and me  
And now it's

Springtime for Sozin and Fire Nation  
Fire Nation is happy and gay  
We're marching to a faster pace  
Look out  
Here comes the master race

Springtime for Sozin and Fire Nation  
Winter for Water and Earth  
Springtime for Sozin and Fire Nation  
Come on, hotmen  
Go into your dance

I was born in Jang Hui  
And that is why they call me Li  
Don't be stupid, be a smarty  
Come and join the Fire party

Springtime for Sozin and Fire Nation  
Dragon Dance's the new dance today  
Bombs falling from the skies again  
Fire Nation is on the rise again

Springtime for Sozin and Fire Nation  
Navy boats are sailing once more

Springtime for Sozin and Fire Nation  
Means that soon we'll be going  
We've got to be going  
You know we'll be going to war"

And then Sozin came onstage. He looked... like a flaming homosexual. Not literally though. You never know with the Fire Nation. And it just got worse from there. What was supposed to be a nationalistic propaganda play came out as a farce, completely making fun of Sozin and the entire war and implying that the entire reason for the war was that Sozin was in love with Roku and he didn't return his affections. This is the first recorded incident of HoYay in the Fire Nation.

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Azula was ranting as they walked back to the house where they were staying. "... and then they had the GALL to make MY GRANDFATHER out to be a FAG! I have half a mind to go on a fiery rampage and burn all those actors to a crisp!"

"Well, why don't you? It would be less boring than sitting around watching Ty Lee implode from the caffeine... although now that I think about it..."

"Excellent idea, Mai! WE SHALL DESTROY THEM!"

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After a therapeutic destruction session, the four went back to their house and decided to relax with a few drinks... sure... relax. We'll pretend that's what they do.

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Haha, next time we'll find out just how they relax. Here's a hint: it's not that relaxing.

The song was shamelessly taken from Mel Brooks's The Producers, with lyrics edited to fit.

Thanks for the reviews, guys! It's always nice to get feedback... now how about some more? Nah, guys I'm kidding. But seriously, thanks! I love you all! *cries*

Don't know what HoYay is? Go to tvtropes. org and then search for it.

Oh yes, something I forgot to mention last chapter:

The thing about the Rg Veda (Sozin's crossword). It's this ancient (ca. 1700–1100 BC) collection of hymns from India, it's basically the precursor to Hinduism. One of the main gods is Agni the fire god. Sound familiar? "Agni Kai"? Yeah. Well, it drives me insane when people say that he's a Hindu god. Because while it may be true, it's more true to say that he's a Vedic god. /endrant


	3. It's okay, cupcake, it'll be painless

Piandao decided to go to Ember Island for a rest. Being a master swordsman was exhausting. Always with the cocky little brats thinking it was worth his time to train him, and the asshole nobles trying to get him to make a sword for them. His sifu had promised him more bitches than he would know what do with, dammit! Where were the bitches? Not in Shu Jing! Can you blame a man for wanting to get laid? So Piandao went to Ember Island, hoping to find bitches.

When he arrived, he decided he would go to a pub. Said pub was populated by entirely old men. That was a problem. So he moved on, trying his luck at a drinking establishment with lots of neon lights. There were a lot of bitches there, but they all seemed to be, like, 17. Now, Piandao could appreciate a bitch of any nation or age or social standing, but 17 made him feel like a pedo. He angrily decided to go back to the oceanside bungalow where he was staying to go to bed...

Only to be interrupted by 4 loud teenagers on the beach. Specifically, one excessively perky loud one, one... fucking insane loud one, one angry loud one, and one who sounded like she had never been that loud in her life. Looks like Piandao wasn't sleeping.

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When the Fire Four returned to their beach mansion, they decided that they would bust out the illicit magnificence that Ty Lee had stolen from her sister. When they decided this, they were sitting on the beach. No one wanted to go back to the mansion to retrieve the booze. Everyone eyed each other suspiciously.

Slowly, quietly, Azula put her finger on her nose. Mai, being observant, followed suit. Zuko, cuddling with Mai, noticed the motion and did the same. Ty Lee, in her own little world, didn't notice what was happening until it was too late.

"Oh come on you guys! You can't do Nose Goes without announcing it!"

"Ty Lee. Go get the booze."

"Yes, Azula."

Several minutes later, Ty Lee returned carrying four fifths: Malibu Passion Fruit Rum, Smirnoff Triple Distilled, Jack Daniel's, and Jose Cuervo. She handed the vodka to Zuko, the whiskey to Azula, and the tequila to Mai, keeping the rum for herself.

"Let's play a drinking game, guys!" Ty Lee shouted.

"Let's play... never have I ever," Azula suggested, although since it was her, it was more like... demanded.

"Whatever. I want to drink to FORGET THE PAIN THAT IS MY LIFE," angsted Zuko.

"You could... eat some fruit tarts with me," insinuated Mai.

"Yeah okay let's do that later. Right now I NEED TO FORGET MY PAIN."

"I'll start," Ty Lee giggled. "Never have I ever... had sex... with a man."

Azula, Mai... and Zuko drank. After several awkward moments of staring, Zuko looked away. "It gets very lonely being on ships for long amounts of time."

Next was Mai. "Never have I ever... gone skinny dipping." Ty Lee was the only one who drank.

Zuko's turn. "Never have I ever... wanted to kiss Azula." He pointedly stared at Ty Lee when he said this, and she unsurprisingly took a drink. What did surprise him, was that Mai did too.

"Never have I ever had consensual sex with a man. Of course, they stopped saying no once we got started. Then they started screaming." Everyone looked really awkward as they took a drink.

And around and around they went. Some highlights:

Azula: "I have never used an Iron Maiden on someone."

Ty Lee: "I have never been on the receiving end of a strap-on." Zuko drank. Mai had the hint of smirk.

Azula: "Never have I ever cut decorative scars on someone... unless it was for sexual pleasure."

So, everyone was all kinds of fucked up, which is DEFINITELY the best way for everyone to be, especially when dealing with Ty Lee.

And that's when the yelling started. Because drunk people apparently become deaf. It's probably all the Ke$ha and Gaga and LMFAO.

"AZULA! Let's go skinny-dipping!"

"Gawd, Ty Lee, that's my SISTER!"

"Zuko, your sister is HOT. And not because she's like, firebending all the time. If it wasn't all incesty and stuff, I would TOTALLY want to be in a threesome with you two."

"CAN I JOIN?"

"IT'S NOT HAPPENING, CIRCUS FREAK!"

"Ty Lee, the mental images disturbed me. Come take a walk with me... you can help... clear my head."

"Okay, Azula!"

After the two left, Zuko's brain seemed to get caught in a loop. "Mai... Azula found something psychoji- shicogic- mentally disturbing. That... Tha's just wrong."

"Do you need me to comfort you?"

"Yeah... I could go for a fruit tart or two..."

And then they proceeded to eat each other's faces from the inside out.

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haha guys it's been a while, hasn't it?

ummm so how are you? good i hope. uuuuh yeah.

yeah i got nothin. *watches teen titans*


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